Sharks In Venice: Or, Stephen Baldwin and the Last Crusade

BY CONTRIBUTING SUSHI CHEF ANDREW MARSHALL:

About ten minutes into today’s film it became apparent that the premise we were being force-fed was epic, nay, almost Speilbergian in nature.

Our hero is a famous archeologist, the top in his field but a bit of a rascal.

Our Hero.

After some opening action, we are introduced to our be-stubbled protagonist while he is teaching a college course. He holds forth on the topic of his speciality while vocally sparring with his students.  Later, he is told that his father, also a specialist, has disappeared while searching for an ancient and mysterious treasure.

Our Hero's Father.

Distraught, Our Hero travels to Venice, Italy (the sight of his father’s disappearance) where he meets a blonde European woman who later betrays him, then redeems herself.

Ah...Venice.

In Venice, Our Hero discovers his father’s journal.

"But Marcus has the map!"

Now, all of this stuff is awesome, campy, serial type melodrama. With the right cast, the right director, the right art direction and the right script, this could actually be a pretty good movie.

Alas and alack, dear reader, for the movie I’m describing is not INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE but rather freak’n SHARKS in freak’n VENICE starring (if you can call it that) Stephen Freak’n Baldwin!

Am I angry? Is my Scotch-Irish temper boiling just a bit? I dunno, does Uwe Boll deserved to get kicked in the face for making BloodRayne? (the answer is yes)

Here’s the deal, Muckies.  It’s not just that this movie stars Stephen Baldwin (of BioDome fame!), kind of a lumpy half formed pupi stage version of his far more talented brother Alec.

And it’s not just that as a direct result of this movie starring Stephen Baldwin I am routinely smashed over the head with Stephen Baldwin’s almost cute attempts to have some gravitas.

Stephen Baldwin Scowls Over a CG Venice

And it’s not just the fact that Stephen Baldwin proves himself to be the most inept action star in the history of cinema.  He is constantly getting punched, kicked, disarmed, and generally ass-whipped by every enemy he fights. In one scene S.B.  attempts to sneak up on a ninja and bludgeon  him with a vase of flowers. The results, as you might imagine, are predictable.

S.B. Gets pizz-owned by a Venetian Ninja.

And it’s not just the fact that the movie itself is called Sharks in Venice. After all, there were sharks, and they were in Venice.  I was satisfied with that.  You have to set your expectations low with these kinds of films, and often times you are not even given the dignity of seeing what the title expressly promises to show you. (There was a notable lack of transmorphing in Transmorphers, I can assure you)

No. I could live with all of that. It’s the fact that this is the SECOND movie in as many weeks that has blatantly ripped the heart and soul straight out of another movie. Another GOOD movie. Another movie that is firmly embedded in the cultural conciousness of today’s movie going society.  (Yes, I’m talking about you Deathrace. I hope you rot.)

I hope this trend doesn’t continue. I would rather watch Gary Busey in Gingerdead Man any day. At least those filmmakers didn’t try to pad out their lousy movie with the premise of Citizen Kane.  How terrible would that have been? Answer: Very.

"You can't do this to me! I'm Gary Freak'n Busey!"

SO WHAT’S THE MUCK?

WHY SHOULD I RUN?:  Somebody somewhere ripped the guts out of Crusade and stuffed the empty cavity with sharks instead of Nazi’s.  It’s enough to make a grown nerd weep.

WHY SHOULD I SEE IT? Stephen Baldwin’s fight scenes are giggle inducing, and there are several times when he makes faces that make you laugh…but I’m pretty sure it’s not on purpose.

THE MUCKOMETER:

While not actually as hard to watch, I’m giving this a 9.5 on the MuckOmeter, our worst grade yet…just for having the audacity to steal from Indy.